What is 2,800 miles between friends? On Sunday night at the Golden Globes, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey managed to convey their signature chemistry and cheeky style of comedy while skillfully hosting from different sides of the country: Fey in the Rainbow Room at Rockefeller Center in New York and Poehler in Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills. The rooms were not completely empty: first aiders sat masked and socially distant at tables.
A clever split screen and some cunning video work made the show look like they were side by side, including a moment when Fey Poehler seemed to be stroking Poehler’s hair. “The technology is so great that you’ll never be able to tell the difference,” said Poehler. Here is their exchange that starts the ceremony. It was easily edited.
Fey: Hi. Oh, good evening world. I’m Tina Fey coming to you from the beautiful Rainbow Room in New York City, where indoor dining and outdoor raids are back.
Poehler: Yes, and I’m Amy Poehler, here at the Beverly Hilton, District 7, New Angeles, and this is the 78th annual Hunger Games –
Fey: Golden Globes.
Poehler: Golden Globes. Now Tina and I are hosting from two different cities tonight, but the technology is so great you will never be able to tell the difference. It will be a smooth sailing.
Fey: You won’t even notice. Oh I missed you my love I always knew that my career would end by wandering rainbow space and pretending to speak to Amy. I just thought it would be later. But what an exciting night. All the big blockbuster films that came out this year are nominated: “Parts of a Lady”, “Irish Goodnight”, “Mauricio’s Delve”.
Poehler: “Daily Planner”, “Gronk”, “Ali G goes to Chicago.”
Fey: And we’re going to honor all the fantastic TV shows you’ve seen this year: the American Office, old Columbos, very one-sided news programs.
Poehler: The Zoom town halls your school is closed in and of course the cranberry juice skateboard guy. He’s going to skate to all the nominated songs tonight. How exciting.
Fey: Usually this room is full of celebrities, but tonight our audience on both coasts consists of smoking hot first responders and key workers. How beautiful. We are so grateful for the work you are doing here so that the celebrities can stay home safely.
Poehler: Yes, thank you. Now we know you’ve seen a lot of crazy things at work this year. But you haven’t seen the kind of stuff we’ve seen on previous Golden Globes. This front table here is usually home to the biggest stars in the world.
Fey: It’s usually like Meryl Streep, just hammered, can’t even remember which movie she’s there for.
Poehler: Brad Pitt always waves to me like: Amy, Amy. And I think, dude, I’m working. It’s not like now.
Fey: And Oprah Winfrey was just writing her name on the tablecloth with a pen.
Poehler: Quentin Tarantino crawled under the tables and only touched people’s feet. The point is do what you want because they do.
Fey: These bitches are messy.
Poehler: Yes, they are messy. OK, since you’re not usually here, let’s explain what that is all about. The Golden Globes are awards from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
Fey: The Hollywood Foreign Press Association consists of around 90 international – not black – journalists who attend film junkets each year in search of a better life. We say around 90 because some of them might be ghosts and it is rumored that the German member is just a sausage that someone has painted a little face on.
Poehler: At the Golden Globes we have awards for movies and television, but I mean it’s hard to tell them apart this year because the cinemas were closed and we saw everything on our phones.
Fey: So you may be confused about which nominees count as movies and which ones count as TV.
Poehler: Now I watch TV for five hours in a row, but I don’t turn on a movie because it’s two hours. I don’t want to stand in front of my television for two hours, I want to stand in front of the television for an hour five times.
Fey: I think the rule is, if your false teeth look real, that’s a movie. And if your real teeth look wrong, it’s television.
Poehler: If the British actors play British, it is television; If they play Americans, it’s a movie.
Fey: If you are like that, Mario Lopez is surprisingly good at that, that’s television.
Poehler: And if it plays Matthew McConaughey as a poetic drifter, it’s a commercial for cars.
Fey: We watch television and films differently. As in movies it says human trafficking, but on TV it says “90 Day Fiancé”.
Poehler: And if it’s a play that has been turned into a movie but you see it on TV, it’s called Plovie, and at least four of them are nominated tonight.
Fey: Ah, congratulations to all of the plovies. Let’s see what these European madmen have nominated this year. “Nomadland” is a film in which Frances McDormand plays a woman who travels through the desert in her van and poops into a bucket. And my kids said, “Could we do this for the spring break? Could we do something? “
Poehler: “Mank” is the abbreviation for Mankiewicz, the name of the screenwriter of “Citizen Kane”. And that’s the only thing they shortened.
Fey: “The Queen’s Gambit” is what James Corden was up to on “The Prom” I think. “The Prom” came out at the perfect time because so many teenagers weren’t going to their prom this year so they could watch James Corden and Meryl Streep do it instead, and that’s still fun, isn’t it?
Poehler: “The Trial of the Chicago 7” is the best of all the “Trial of Chicago” films in my opinion, but it still isn’t as good as “Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow”. Who is with me
Fey: What I love about Aaron Sorkin’s writing is that he can make seven men speak, but it feels like a hundred men are speaking.
Poehler: Yes. “The Undoing” was a sexy and dramatic riddle in which Nicole Kidman’s coat is suspected of murdering her wig.
Fey: “Soul” is a beautiful animated Pixar film in which the soul of a middle-aged black man is accidentally knocked out of his body into a cat. The HFPA really responded to this movie because they have five cat members.
Poehler: “Normal People” is an emotional show about two young lovers in Ireland and is best seen in bed with your hot laptop at your crotch.
Fey: “One Night in Miami” is a fictional version of a meeting between Malcolm X, Cassius Clay, Sam Cooke and Jim Brown where I assume the topic of discussion was: How the hell are we going to get out of Florida?
Poehler: Speaking of “One Night in Miami”, great directors have been nominated for this evening. Regina King for “One Night in Miami”, Chloé Zhao for “Nomadland”, Emerald Fennell for “Promising Young Woman” and two other people, but we are running out of time.
Fey: Emily in Paris has been nominated for Best TV Series, Best Musical, or Best Comedy, and I can’t wait to find out which one it is. I did “French Exit” after seeing the first episode of “Emily in Paris”.
Poehler: Maria Bakalova from “Borat” is a candidate this evening, which is enormous for the Bulgarian community. Jim Parsons and Kaley Cuoco are nominees tonight, which is huge for the Bazinga community.
Fey: What else? Oh, Sia’s controversial film “Music” is nominated for the best international flopperooni. I don’t want to go into that folks, but it’s really problematic. And Twitter says it’s the most insulting casting since Kate Hudson was the Weight Watchers spokeswoman.
Poehler: Oh wait you know this is probably something we should have told you earlier. Everyone is understandably upset about the HFPA and its decisions. Look, a lot of flashy garbage was nominated, but that happens, OK? This is like their thing. But a number of black actors and black-led projects have been overlooked.
Fey: Look, we all know award shows are stupid.
Poehler: They are all a scam invented by Big Red Carpet.
Fey: Sell more carpet.
Poehler: We know that.
Fey: The point is, inclusivity is important even with stupid things. And there are no black members of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I understand, HFPA, maybe you didn’t get the memo because your workplace is the back booth of a French McDonald’s, but you need to change that. So here it is to change.
Poehler: Yes, and I’m looking forward to this change. We have some good news: we’re raising money tonight and donating $ 2 million to Feeding America’s Covid-19 Response Fund, and that’s great.
Fey: Let’s go guys. Are you ready? Could this have been an email all night? Yes.
Nancy Coleman contributed to the coverage.
